OH, THE MAID LIST...

In the comments on my SKETCH IDEAS THAT I OWN post an old, faithful reader of mine by the name of Chris Brown reminded me of a list I once posted a few years ago on my old blog (which no longer exists).

I wasn't sure what he was referring to until I raided my old vault and found it. And then laughed. Because that's what I do: procrastinate when I should be working, look up old things I've written and then laugh at my own things I've written. And then my wife comes in and says "it's really sad how you laugh at your own stuff all by yourself in your office." And that just makes me laugh more.

So... as long as I'm on a roll of posting old writing from the vault, here's an oldie but a goodie. Oh, and the "girlfriend" I refer to is now my wife. And the dog is still named Dobby.

(I promise some real Invention of Lying news soon)

My girlfriend has recently taken it upon herself to find us a bi-monthly housekeeper for our new home. I told her I will take no part in this because of my strong feelings against the hiring of minorities to do traditionally 'subserviant acts'. Also, I really don't want a housekeeper because those people steal so much.

But because she's physcially stronger than me, Lisa won the argument. I decided to write her an email containing a detailed list which I hope will help her to pick us out the best maid possible. I'd like to share this letter with you.

For the sake of enjoyment, I have a dog named 'Dobby'.

Lisa,

A few things to impart to our maid:

• I require the traditional 'maid outfit'. This is non-negotiable.
• She must always refer to me as 'meester'.
• She must never, under any circumstance, look me dead in the fucking eye.
• I can throw things at her at my whim.
• Dobby can throw things at her at his whim.
• The fucking gardener can throw things at her at his fucking whim.
• Sometimes I cry. She must console me lovingly.
• Sometimes I punch. She must take these hits like a man.
• She must not be an actual 'man'.
• She must be a lesbian.
• She must have a healthy fear of lemons.
• Her name is whatever I damn well believe it to be.
• Her name will change constantly.
• Her name can never be Betty.
• When I write, she must sing. Not a song, but one long note. She must hold it until I finish writing.
• She must never distract me to tell me that she's 'on fire' or 'choking' or any other Maid-specific dilemma's.
• Wherever she goes, she must carry a pager. When this pager goes off she must find the nearest liquor store and buy one packet of Funions. She must then pour the Funions on her head and immediately come over to our house where I will eat the Funions off of her head. If any of the Funions fall off of her head while she is en route to our house, she must start the process over again. If she ever cheats by pouring the Funions on her head right as she arrives at our house, she will lose one finger. If she loses all of her fingers, she will win a prize. That prize will be two new fingers.
• She must have ten fingers.
• She must have her own pager.

Thanks, that's all for now. Please pass these on to Willamina. Thanks.

Matt